A Time To Reflect...

Ana of Paco Collars lost her beloved Paco to a freak accident this past Saturday. The previous week, a friend of a friend died suddenly and unexpectedly at the age of 36, leaving an 11 year old daughter behind. Even though I didn't know either her or Paco personally, there's no way I could be unaffected by the enormity of these tragedies. It's caused me to do a lot of thinking.

When I meet someone who has experienced a great loss in their past, or if I find out that someone I know has gone through that kind of experience, I think I subconsciously accept that as the way things were supposed to work out. Like that person was always someone who was going to lose that family member. Like it was always known, or has always been that way. But then something like this happens, and I think, no no, that's not right, it isn't supposed to happen like this. This isn't the way the story goes. And then I realize the subconscious assumption I've made about those other situations. I realize, this is how my mom felt when she lost her mother at a young age. This is how G felt when his brother died. Those things weren't supposed to happen either.

I know that all sounds silly and probably insensitive. It's not meant to. But as someone who has the luxury of never having lost like that, it's something I've never been forced to fully process. Do things happen for a reason? Someone like me might say yes. Someone like my mother might ask, what possible reason could there have been for my mom to die so young?

I am also a person who likes to have a plan and structure for my life. Not knowing how the story ends really gets to me sometimes. Do I have five days left with Kai or five thousand? Will she die of old age after a long happy life, will she get some awful disease, or is some freak accident going to take her away from me, like Paco? Will I know it's coming, or will it happen suddenly? Will I be with her when it happens? I just worked out how long 5000 days is- 13.7 years. In all likelihood, I have less than 5000 days with Kai since that would put her at about 19 years old. Thinking of her remaining life in terms of days- even thousands of days- just made me shudder a little. I'm constantly haunted by images and thoughts of what might happen to take her away from me. Maybe 'haunted' is too strong of a word, but it is definitely something I think about more than I should.

When she dies, am I going to be one of those people saying "no, this isn't supposed to happen like this!"? Later on, after she's gone, will I be one of those people who I have somehow assumed always knew it would end the way it did? Will I feel like I wasted any of our precious time together, and would I ever forgive myself for that? And the hardest question of all, the one guaranteed to make me cry if I think about it long enough, what will my life be like without her in it?

I love her so much it hurts sometimes, and I know some of that hurt comes from the knowledge that our time together, no matter how long it ends up being, will be far too short.

Sometimes I want to shout at myself, JUST ENJOY THE DAYS YOU HAVE!! IT MAKES NO SENSE TO BE WORRYING ABOUT HER DYING WHILE SHE'S STILL ALIVE!! A smarter person might be able to do that better than I seem to. It's the not knowing that is so hard to deal with sometimes. Although, if given the option, I would probably still choose to not know. What I do know is that right now, she is living and loving and warm and fuzzy, and snoring away on the beanbag behind me. And I know that I'm going to continue to love her, protect her, share silly, fun, goofy and cuddly times with her, and revel in the deep bond we have for as long as the story allows me.

Rest peacefully sweet Paco, and may peace also come to your family in time. And K, wherever you are I wish peace to you too, from the knowledge that you raised your daughter to be a strong person who will turn out just fine, even though she'll never stop missing you.

Oh, George.

No I don't mean George Bush. I mean George the masters swim coach at the gym. I'm not on the masters team but I often swim at the same time as their practices. George answers my swimming questions and gives me pointers on my stroke, which I appreciate a lot.

He also makes me laugh because he's so darned encouraging. A perfect example of this was a conversation we had tonight. My coach hadn't given me times for my set of 200s, so I asked him about it:

Me: So, how fast do you think I should do the 200s?

George: Um... how about 3 minutes?

Me: No way! That is WAY too fast!!

George: Really?

Me: Yes!

George: Huh. I thought you were faster than that.

Me (laughing): Thanks George, that's real encouraging.

George: Well do you want me to BS you? Tell you, "Oh that's great!!"? You know the times.

Me: (laughing harder): At least you're honest.


I almost choked during that whole first 200 because I kept laughing. George's birthday is on Friday. A bunch of his swimmers are going to meet at the pool to swim and have a drink for his birthday... think I should bring him a really embarrassing present? Singing telegram, perhaps? He'd be thrilled :)

Time Management FAIL

As my training progresses, it's becoming more and more important for me to figure out how to balance my time between training, work, Kai, and other responsibilities. There have been times when my workouts have suffered because I haven't devoted enough time and attention to getting them done properly. There have also been times when my work has suffered because I'm prioritizing it lower than training. And I would always love to spend more time with Kai.

I'm clearly not giving up my training, and I gotta pay the bills so I can't give up on my job. So, I'm going to have to figure out this time management thing.

Today I had a treadmill run and a long swim. Most 2-workout days I do one at lunch and one after work, and that works out fine. But there were two extenuating circumstances today: the inauguration and a late meeting at work. I found myself at 1:45 PM sitting in my office, without either workout done. I really didn't want to swim after my late meeting since that would mean a really late night. So I decided to leave the office right then, go to the gym and do the run and the swim, and come back for the meeting. Sounded like a great idea but I ended up getting in the pool at almost 4:30, with my meeting starting at 5:30. I barely got in a third of the workout before I had to leave again.

I hate messing up my schedule like that, since now I'm going to have to do that swim tomorrow. But more than that, I also hate feeling like I screwed up and I'm not making my training enough of a priority. I always tell myself, "if it's important enough, you'll get it done". I know it's only going to get harder from here as the workouts get longer, and I worry that might mean my commitment isn't strong enough to make it. But as my coach says, as long as it doesn't become a pattern it's OK. And she's probably right. I did get my run done, even though it was HARD and my legs are SO SORE from yesterday's PT session that I could barely step up onto the treadmill!

Sigh. Living and learning. Tomorrow I get to try again!

Why I Don't Train With An Ipod

Note that I don't have anything against Ipods. I'm really excited about the new one I got to replace the one I lost (ugh). I just don't use it for training. I've been asked about this several times, so here are my reasons:

1) I like to hear what's going on around me. When I'm running on the roads or after dark, this one is obvious. But even if I'm running on the levee, with great visibility and no cars, it still feels weird to not hear my surroundings. I'd end up turning the music down so far that it wouldn't even be worth it.

2) I don't want to be distracted from what I'm doing. I know that part of the point of running with music is to take your mind off of the effort and make it pass faster, but I don't like doing that. Every workout has a purpose and a goal, and I need to be paying attention to make sure that I'm meeting it. I want to always be aware of what my body is telling me. I want to be fully in the moment, not taking myself out of it. And at most races you can't carry music anyway, so why not train the way you're going to race?

3) On the other side of the distraction issue- I find that listening to music makes me focus MORE on the passage of time. You know roughly how long each song is, so it becomes a recurring reminder that only about five more minutes have gone by. I'd much rather keep track of where I'm at by just checking my watch once in a while.

4) I always get nervous passing people on the levee who are wearing Ipods. I call out "on your left!" but they never hear me, so I'm always afraid they're going to step to their side just as I pass and I'll hit them. And sometimes they're blocking the path, so I have to wait until they actually see me before I can pass. That makes me NOT want to be one of those people.

5) I don't like carrying stuff. The flapping cords and the arm band holder or whatever you use would bug me. I already have a heart rate monitor, training watch, water bottle, Road ID, visor/sunglasses, keys sometimes... I don't want any more gear!

6) One of my favorite things about training is the "me-time". I get to be alone with my thoughts, I don't owe anyone anything, and I can think about whatever I want. I use the time to process things that I don't have time to think about during the rest of the day, I daydream, I visualize my races, and most of the time I just enjoy the quiet. I spend so much of my day listening to all different kinds of sounds that I'm usually not in the mood for any more auditory stimuli.

7) Most people use up-tempo, pump-you-up type music for training. I don't try to get myself pumped up for workouts. I save that for races. Workouts get done because they have to get done and that's that, so no pumping up required. And if I did get my adrenaline going for workouts all the time, how could my races be any different? I get really intense when it's time to race. I don't think I could do that every day.


So there are my reasons. The one exception to all this is watching treadmill TV. I reeeeally don't like running on the treadmill (aka Dreadmill). The ones at my gym have TVs in them which makes it slightly more bearable, although I'd still much rather just run outside. I have a treadmill workout on Tuesday- maybe I'll watch some inauguration coverage.

"Oh it was SO bad..."

A good friend of mine used to say that when he was making fun of Kai for being such a princess. It would go something like this:

"How bad was it, Kai?"
"Oh it was SO bad! They made me go outside, in the RAIN!"

I was thinking of that today while I was riding and it made me laugh a little. Which was good, because I definitely needed something to laugh about! Today's ride was BLECH. I know the wind is always stronger on top of the levee but still I underestimated it. I was supposed to be doing intervals of 75 cadence/high resistance alternated with 95/low- the wind was so bad, there were times I was barely cranking out 75 on the low resistance intervals! That, combined with my 50-mile ride the day before, meant my legs were NOT happy. And what's with the weather, anyway? Yesterday was 75 degrees, sunny and gorgeous. Today was 55, crazy wind, and dreary. Ugh.

One good thing though was my transition run. I've just started running off the bike again now that my Ironman prep is fully underway. It was only a 20 minute run but I was encouraged with how good it felt. Or I guess I should say, how bad it didn't feel, since running off the bike doesn't ever feel exactly what I would call "good"!

At least that bad ride is behind me. Tomorrow is a day off, and Kai rocked at agility class tonight, so I'm in a better mood for sure. But OH, it was SO bad!! :)

PBG's Cardinal Rules of Training

I was asked for some advice the other day, and it made me start thinking. There are lessons I've learned along the way (often the hard way unfortunately) that lead me to feel very strongly about certain things. I thought it would be fun to make a list of them, so here are the first three. In no particular order:


1) WEAR GOOD SHOES. I say this all the time. It's worth repeating! Your shoe is the buffer between you and the ground. If you're going to be out there pounding the pavement, you better be doing it with the right equipment.

2) ALWAYS GO BEHIND. When you're running across an intersection, do not assume that the car at the stop sign sees you! If at all possible, always go around behind the car even if you have to go out of your way.

3) ONLY RACE ON RACE DAY. This is a big motto of mine. Training is mentally and physically different from racing. If you push yourself at race pace every day in training, how are you going to get yourself fired up for your races? Not only do you risk injury and burnout by racing your workouts but you probably won't improve. The day to really test your limits and see what you can do is race day. Training days have specific goals, and they're not to set a PR or to beat that guy in front of you on the bike path. Training should be challenging, more so for some workouts than others, but remember that you want to peak on race day, not on your Sunday morning training run.

...and visions of Ironman danced in her head...

I just had a GREAT long run.

My new shoes are good, they make my legs feel happy. I had on a new pair of fingerless gloves that were fun. I was slightly warmer than neutral, which is the perfect temperature for me. The crazy wind we've been having lately was thankfully absent.

But what made it awesome was the serious Ironman daydreaming I had going on. I've been doing it for a while, especially on my long workouts, but this one was especially good. A lot of the time I try to picture the bike, since I know it's going to be veeeeerrrry looooong.

But today I was at the special needs bag on the run. I imagined what the perfect pick-me-up at that point would say, like if I had a note in my bag. I imagined how I might feel at that moment, how I might be in a lot of pain and in danger of losing sight of the amazing thing that was happening. How I might have to remind myself of the excitement simmering under the pain, let it come to the surface, and remember to savor every moment instead of wishing to be done. I imagined looking back on the entire year of training I'll have done up to that point, all those hundreds of miles that will have gotten me there, only a few measly miles left to get from I WILL to I DID.

Pretty powerful stuff! I got so into it that I lost track of where I was, never looked at my watch, and ended up running a little too long. Whoops! But I felt great. And now I'm having a decadently delicious "recovery drink" of a vanilla-ice-cream-and-eggnog milkshake, and I am very happy... can you tell??



Happy running, everyone :)

Going Public...

On June 21, 2009, assuming no major injuries or catastrophes between now and then, I will be an IRONMAN!

I decided to sign up this past summer. I'd done one sprint triathlon and decided hey, this triathlon thing is pretty fun, what else can I do with it? So I started reading about Ironman. I found out that you have to sign up for them a year in advance, since they sell out pretty much immediately when registration opens the day after the race. I was in no way ready to compete in an Ironman, but if I waited to sign up until I was ready, I'd have to wait another whole year.

I was considering Ironman Florida since it's pretty close to NOLA. And it's in November which would give me more time to train. I told my training buddy about it, and he said he was thinking of going for a full IM as well (he's already done a few half-IMs). He also told me I should sign up for the one in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, because it's a great course and a great town. But... that was only a year away! I couldn't go from zero to Ironman in a year, could I? Then Training Buddy made the good point that the Florida race would only be a few more months away, which is still not a very long time. So if I was gonna go for it, may as well really go for it!

The day we signed up was funny. We were each in our offices clicking refreshrefreshrefresh on the registration page, sending frantic messages back and forth- "OMG it's not loading!", "Help I'm nervous already!", "Only three minutes to go!" At noon on the dot, we scrambled to sign up as quickly as possible before it filled up. I don't remember when it sold out, but it wasn't long! Luckily we both got in. Then after the excitement died down, I had a realization: "You have not run further than five miles in a Very Long Time, and in 12 months you're going to be racing 140.6 miles." I needed help!

That was when I found my coach. I was embarrassed to even tell her that I'd signed up, thinking she'd laugh at me and tell me no way could you do that! So one of the first things we talked about was how I wanted to do this race in a year, and if we were going to be able to work together, I needed to know now whether she believed it was possible. She told me I needed to be committed, stick to the plan, and trust her, and yes it could be possible. So I've been doing that the best I can, and I'm really seeing progress. Just a year ago I couldn't even run because of shin splints. And now, I'm working out six days a week, two workouts a day most days, with NO pain. (well, just the good kind!)

So I'm training for a hilly race in a town that's below sea level. I'll be completing my first marathon and probably my first century ride on the day of the race. I'll have worn a wetsuit in the water maybe once before. And it'll be just over 12 months from the day of my first sprint triathlon.

I can't wait!!