Ana of Paco Collars lost her beloved Paco to a freak accident this past Saturday. The previous week, a friend of a friend died suddenly and unexpectedly at the age of 36, leaving an 11 year old daughter behind. Even though I didn't know either her or Paco personally, there's no way I could be unaffected by the enormity of these tragedies. It's caused me to do a lot of thinking.
When I meet someone who has experienced a great loss in their past, or if I find out that someone I know has gone through that kind of experience, I think I subconsciously accept that as the way things were supposed to work out. Like that person was always someone who was going to lose that family member. Like it was always known, or has always been that way. But then something like this happens, and I think, no no, that's not right, it isn't supposed to happen like this. This isn't the way the story goes. And then I realize the subconscious assumption I've made about those other situations. I realize, this is how my mom felt when she lost her mother at a young age. This is how G felt when his brother died. Those things weren't supposed to happen either.
I know that all sounds silly and probably insensitive. It's not meant to. But as someone who has the luxury of never having lost like that, it's something I've never been forced to fully process. Do things happen for a reason? Someone like me might say yes. Someone like my mother might ask, what possible reason could there have been for my mom to die so young?
I am also a person who likes to have a plan and structure for my life. Not knowing how the story ends really gets to me sometimes. Do I have five days left with Kai or five thousand? Will she die of old age after a long happy life, will she get some awful disease, or is some freak accident going to take her away from me, like Paco? Will I know it's coming, or will it happen suddenly? Will I be with her when it happens? I just worked out how long 5000 days is- 13.7 years. In all likelihood, I have less than 5000 days with Kai since that would put her at about 19 years old. Thinking of her remaining life in terms of days- even thousands of days- just made me shudder a little. I'm constantly haunted by images and thoughts of what might happen to take her away from me. Maybe 'haunted' is too strong of a word, but it is definitely something I think about more than I should.
When she dies, am I going to be one of those people saying "no, this isn't supposed to happen like this!"? Later on, after she's gone, will I be one of those people who I have somehow assumed always knew it would end the way it did? Will I feel like I wasted any of our precious time together, and would I ever forgive myself for that? And the hardest question of all, the one guaranteed to make me cry if I think about it long enough, what will my life be like without her in it?
I love her so much it hurts sometimes, and I know some of that hurt comes from the knowledge that our time together, no matter how long it ends up being, will be far too short.
Sometimes I want to shout at myself, JUST ENJOY THE DAYS YOU HAVE!! IT MAKES NO SENSE TO BE WORRYING ABOUT HER DYING WHILE SHE'S STILL ALIVE!! A smarter person might be able to do that better than I seem to. It's the not knowing that is so hard to deal with sometimes. Although, if given the option, I would probably still choose to not know. What I do know is that right now, she is living and loving and warm and fuzzy, and snoring away on the beanbag behind me. And I know that I'm going to continue to love her, protect her, share silly, fun, goofy and cuddly times with her, and revel in the deep bond we have for as long as the story allows me.
Rest peacefully sweet Paco, and may peace also come to your family in time. And K, wherever you are I wish peace to you too, from the knowledge that you raised your daughter to be a strong person who will turn out just fine, even though she'll never stop missing you.
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